Scholars Announce Discovery of Unabridged Writings of Alma

 

In an announcement from the Church History Department, a Reformed Egyptian text has been discovered containing the unabridged version of the writings of Alma, son of Alma. It is well known that Mormon abridged the Nephite record, but this fragment gives the words of Alma himself. Near Eastern language experts have been able to translate a portion of the surviving fragments.

“We are told by Moroni that he has seen our day and that he ‘know[s] [our] doings,’ but now we know that Alma had the same experience,” historian Joseph Fielding Knight-Smith explained. “Alma knew how to liken the events of his day to ours.”

The Findings

The original text shows the intricacies of Alma’s knowledge as he preached to the Zoramites, as this excerpt from Alma 31 shows:

“For they had built a place up in the center of their days, a place for sharing, which was high above the internet; and the top thereof would only admit one person.

Therefore, whosoever desired to worship must go forth and sign into the app thereof, and stretch forth his selfie stick towards heaven, and cry with a high-contrast, sepia-tone filter, saying:

Holy, holy social media; we believe that thou art on the internet, and we believe that thou art holy, and that thou wast on our desktops, and thou art on our smartphones, and thou will be on our augmented reality devices in the future.

Holy social media, we believe that thou hast separated us from our brethren by our thousands of followers and #blessed state. And we do not believe in the traditions of our brethren of modern medicine, which was handed down to them by the childishness of their doctors. But we believe thou hast elected us to be thy holy essential oil home healers; and also thou hast made it known unto us that there shall be no righteous person that is poor, and that 10,000+ square feet of house is totes a sign of thy favor.

But the success of MLMs and summer sales is the same yesterday, today, and forever; and thou hast elected us that we shall have thigh gaps you can fit a softball through and a home in Draper, whilst all around us are elected to be cast by thy wrath down to Orem and a state of having to purchase merch themselves instead of sponsors sending them free stuff for others to swipe up on.

Oh social media, we thank thee; and we also thank thee that thou hast elected our products, that we may not be led away after the foolish traditions of our brethren, which binds them down to a belief in buying their lipsticks or cleaning products at a store and not from a distributor, which doth lead their hearts away from skinny wraps and establishing their own downstream distributors, which doth lead their hearts to wander from thee and our awkward product parties and daily Facebook posts.

And again, we thank thee, oh social media, that we are a popular and influential people. #Amen.

Now it came to pass that after Alma and his brethren and his sons had heard these prayers, they were astonished beyond all measure.

For behold, every man, woman, and cute child did go forth and offer up these same memes.

Now the place was called by them Instagrumptom, which, being interpreted, is the holy app.”

Knight-Smith smiled and added, “I know, right?”

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