As I reflect on the new year, something significant has come to my realization: I have no idea what I’m doing with my life…but God sure does. A year ago I was enjoying the severe winds and frozen tundra-like climate that is Rexburg, Idaho. I had just been endowed a few weeks prior (another thing I didn’t think I would do for a long time). I was serving as the Director of Communication for an organization I loved. This position was an absolute dream to me. It was something I had been hoping and praying to be offered for years. I was absolutely sure Winter 2014 was gonna be MY TERM.
Then crazy struck. A blow to my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health was dealt that left me crying in bed for hours, contemplating the various ways I could take my own life. I had never been suicidal before, but that was certainly a low point in my life. I somehow rebounded enough to dry my eyes, grab my temple bag, and do a session with a close friend of mine. It was in the celestial room that I begged and pleaded, and tried bargaining with God to let me stay at BYU-Idaho. I tried making all sorts of promises and deals in the hope that he would work in my favor. I was naive in two ways here; I was attempting to broker a deal with God (never a wise choice), and I was under the impression that he wasn’t already working in my favor. The impression that I received in the Celestial Room of the Rexburg Temple was of peace. I knew what my prayer would need to be now. “Dear Heavenly Father, please help me feel at peace. Please help me accept what happens, and understand it to be your will.”
Well let me tell you, God answers prayers. He didn’t work his will to keep me at BYU-Idaho, but he did give me peace. He gave me more than that too. I had the strength to tell the directors of my program that I had to leave, I had the sheer force of will to keep my tears back while I told the council I was given stewardship over to direct. He gave me, for a fleeting moment, the ability to love the people who wronged me (I say fleeting because it was probably for their own safety that I was “heavenly sedated” from verbally lashing out and destroying then with my words). He even blessed me with safety as I drove back to Nebraska through chokingly thick fog at ridiculous hours of the morning. Through all this, Heavenly Father has had the best intentions at heart.
I got accepted to Utah Valley University, though I had no idea what my move to Provo, and then Orem, would bring. Since I had literally never even stepped foot on UVU’s campus, I thought it wise to aid my anxiety with a tour of the campus. I mentioned my history of involvement to my tour guide who introduced me to the right people. Within 10 minutes of leaving campus to get food, I had been called back to have an interview with the Volunteer and Service-Learning Center. I was subsequently given the position of Vice President of Communication. I don’t think I shed a physical tear (I mean, I am now as I think back on this experience), but inside I was in awe. This position was nearly identical to the one I had been forced to leave in Idaho. Heavenly Father showed his hand again in this instance. I saw that He was blessing me with the same thing that had been taken from me. I felt like Job, to lose everything, only to be given it back with more. I was amazed, and humbled.
Subsequently, because I can’t seem to devote my time to just one activity, I became involved in other programs at UVU. I applied, was interviewed, and was accepted into the LEAD program of the Center for the Advancement of Leadership. Another blessing He plopped on my plate.
When I moved to Provo, I chose a complex that was occupied by my then-only-twitter-friend, Samantha. With her help and obvious talent a website was born. One that has and continues to bless my life. Millennial Mormons was born after and only due to our convergence in Provo. Again, I was blessed in a way that I would have never imagined.
On top of this, my friendships have been blessed. One best friend was at BYU, which meant I would get to see and spend more time with him. Another began graduate school at BYU shortly after I moved here. One more best friend finally made the choice to transfer to BYU, where I get to spend more time with him than ever before in our friendship. If all of this wasn’t enough, I moved in with an amazing guy who has been a true best friend. I didn’t think any of this was luck, regardless of how crazy it all seemed to be. Blessings. I was guided to this place. A place where so many people I love were either already guided to, or were eventually guided to.
As if ALL of these things weren’t enough, I half-heartedly applied for a scholarshiped housing program at a complex where all the leadership and honor students live. I had wanted to start building more relationships with my peers at UVU, and didn’t know how to go about doing so (owing to my now ambiverted nature). I was surprised to wake up to an email from the assistant-director of the LEAD program offering me a spot for the Spring semester. WOW. Yes, I want the spot! Problem was I had a contract already at my current complex. I said a little prayer to the effect of “Dear HF, If I’m supposed to move to Ventana, please help me sell this contract”. Again, I decided I would put it in God’s hands. I posted it, and didn’t think anything would come of it. Well, I was again caught unaware of God’s love or His will for me. Six hours later I talked to a girl in the CAL office about attempting to sell my contract. She told me her brother was looking for a contact at my complex, and within the next hour it was sold. In seven hours time God directed my life in a direction I wasn’t expecting.
So here I sit, in my new apartment, in a ward filled with some of the best people I think I’ll ever meet, in a program, in a position, and at a school I never thought I would be at. I can’t tell you enough how blessed I am. I can’t convey how my testimony of a loving God has soared.
I’m finally at the tipping point. I have reached the point where I’m happy where I am, grateful for what has happened, and thankful I was lead here. It’s taken almost a year, but what a year it has been. If anything is to be garnered from my experience it should be this: God is personally, heavily, and lovingly invested in us. He guides us to what will bring us happiness. He guides us kicking and screaming at times, but guide he does. His hand is outstretched as he looks to assist us on the tumultuous journey called life. I can testify of this. We have a loving Father, and he is guiding each of us home.