Contention In Quorum Of The 12 Hits All-Time High As iPhone-Android Gulf Widens

A rift between members of the Quorum of the 12 has left apostles longing for the days of polyphonic ringtones and Snake II this week, with Boyd K. Packer now deeming the Android-iPhone situation, “utterly insolvable”.

Though completely united on all topics of doctrine, the Quorum of the 12 Apostles has become entrenched in smartphone disputes lately, and Elder Anderson’s recent conversion from an iPhone 4S to Samsung Galaxy 5S has left its wiser members “outraged.”

“It’s really just an incredibly frustrating situation,” said Elder Holland, a loyal iPhone user. “What with Boyd having a Nexus and all, we have quite the conundrum on our hands . We want to respect his seniority as President of the Quorum, but also – enough is enough. This is the final dispensation, and we don’t have time to waste on pre-installed bloatware and scrolling through endless Android screens.”

It is suspected that those of the brethren currently choosing to use phones other than iPhones have been slacking in their scripture study lately, leaving the other half to worry that they’re “openly embracing Babylonian mindsets.”

“The Spirit has firmly testified to me that the iPhone was given to us directly through inspiration to Steve Jobs”, continued Elder Perry, “It was done in a similar fashion to the way Joseph received the gold plates, but with less eternal consequences, of course.” When Elder Bednar was asked why he isn’t getting the new iPhone 6 plus, he stated, in no less than three specific points, that he wasn’t a fan of an iPhone that “bends like the doctrines of men”.

Elder Christofferson added his two cents by saying, “The Spirit confirmed to me that the iPhone was the true phone, and I received my second witness when I noticed that the Ordain Women tweets were being sent from an Android-powered tablet. That was enough for me.”

No word has been given on whether or not Thomas S. Monson will step in to put his friends in order, but it’s reported that the Prophet has been quite apathetic to the discussion, simply stating, “I have a Blackberry. I like the buttons.”

President Uchtdorf remains the final deciding party in the entire saga, and while his official stance on the issue hasn’t yet been declared, he was reportedly spotted Googling “Aztec iPhone 6 cases” in his office on Monday.

 

 

 

 * All quotes in this article are made up by the authors for satire purposes. * 

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